“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

― Carl Gustav Jung (Memories dreams and reflections)

Most couples come in with a version of the same request. They want to argue less, or argue better. They want to feel less alone in their relationship, less stuck in the same circular fight. They want to find their way back to something that used to feel more natural between them, or find a way through something they can’t seem to move past on their own. Maybe there was a betrayal of trust, a difference that’s grown.

What they’re describing are real things. I take all of them seriously. But what I’ve found, over decades of this work, is that what a couple describes as the problem and what the relationship is actually working through are often not quite the same thing. Not because they’re wrong. Because the most important part is usually harder to name.

That gap, between the presenting problem and what’s actually there, is where this work lives.

I work with couples across a wide range of backgrounds, orientations, ages, and relationship structures, queer and straight, early in a relationship and decades in, navigating a specific rupture or simply feeling like something has gone quiet between them. Whoever you are and wherever you’re coming from, my job is to meet you where you are. 

What My Approach to Couples Therapy Actually Looks Like

When we first meet, I’m really meeting the two of you together. How do you talk to each other about what’s going on, where things have gotten difficult, and where there’s room for the relationship to grow more intimate and satisfying? Is there space in the couple for more than one perspective? Is it safe to disagree with each other? Is there laughter? Is there passion? Where does love and lovemaking come into the picture?

For couples work, I rely on an integrative approach called Dialogue Therapy, developed by Dr. Polly Young-Eisendrath. It brings together psychoanalytic strategy, mindfulness, and elements of psychodrama to help couples navigate conflict, communicate more honestly, and build a deeper intimacy over time.

In practice, it feels like a rehearsal space where the couple gets to slow down with each other and  really tune into what the other person’s world is like. There’s lots of room for trial and error and realizing that communication is as much a practical tool as it is an art form. 

Most couples arrive having already tried to work things out on their own, and it hasn’t quite worked. Not because they aren’t smart or don’t care, but because the tools they’ve been reaching for often weren’t designed for what this relationship is asking of them. Many of those tools were learned long before they met each other. What Dialogue Therapy helps couples develop is the capacity to handle their differences, grow more confident in navigating conflict, and recognize that their partner is one of the most important teachers they may ever have.

The method is designed to help couples notice when they’re about to go somewhere automatic, getting stuck in old patterns almost out of habit. By slowing down the pace and staying anchored to the present, partners find they have much more accuracy in hearing what each other is saying, and don’t get as caught up in the reactions that this can sometimes, or maybe a lot of the time, stir up.

What a Shift Can Actually Look Like

Recently, I was working with a long-term committed couple where one partner was threatening to leave. They had grown tired of carrying what felt like too much of the emotional load, exhausted by always being the caretaking one. The other partner felt they could never quite get it right, though they still wanted to fight for the future of the relationship.

At one point, the partner threatening to leave was being listened to very carefully, their concerns slowly mirrored back to them by the other. Suddenly they began to weep, saying, “I am so surprised by how understood I feel.”

Something happened in the slowing down, and in the careful listening, that opened a different kind of space. In that moment, they could feel their partner’s willingness not only to keep trying, but to continue learning, to stay emotionally present, and to risk rejection in the process.

From that point on, something began to shift.

When Conflict Is Trying to Tell You Something

One thing that becomes clear, fairly early in couples work, is that the presenting conflict, while a significant flashpoint, is rarely the whole story.

Couples often come in describing a source of friction: money, loss of sexual or emotional intimacy, a breaking of trust. These conflicts can drain the life out of once vibrant relationships. Usually these hardships carry something larger, often a very old pattern of hurt aching to be better understood. A feeling of not being seen. A fear of being lost in the relationship, or left by it. A history of being mistreated. Intimate relationships inevitably become a venue where older patterns, often laid down in childhood, get carried forward, asking to be understood differently.

Psychodynamic approaches to couples therapy are built on this premise: that much of what drives conflict is not fully visible on the surface, and that tracing recurring arguments back to their deeper roots is where lasting change tends to happen. There’s also an idea that partner choice may, often unconsciously, include finding a mate who aligns with learned models of relating from childhood. In a very real sense, partners can feel stuck in a rut that is oddly familiar.

In my work with couples, I try to enlist curiosity about what the disagreement is pointing toward. The therapy becomes a studio where we notice how current conflicts form and what is being dragged along from the past, things that can be both honored and more effectively addressed. 

When couples can begin to see their conflict as a signal rather than just a problem to solve, something usually shifts. The relationship starts to feel less like a standoff and more like a place where something real is being worked out. The partnership itself becomes a resource for learning, healing, and growing, both individually and together.

If you’re curious whether this kind of work might be right for your relationship, I offer a free consultation to start the conversation.

How Queer-Affirming Couples Therapy Can Make a Difference

As a queer psychologist with more than two decades of experience working with LGBTQ+ couples, I understand many of the realities and vulnerabilities of queer relational life from the inside. Queer couples are often building relationships without a ready-made blueprint, creating their own language for commitment, intimacy, and partnership while also navigating the lingering impact of misunderstanding, invisibility, family strain, and internalized messages about what relationships are supposed to look like.

Recently, I worked with a long-term gay couple struggling around trust, jealousy, and erotic boundaries. One partner worked in a field involving hands-on bodywork that could sometimes carry an erotic charge, while the other found himself becoming increasingly anxious and controlling around experiences that felt difficult to predict or clearly define within the relationship.

Part of the work involved the couple recognizing how quickly they had defaulted to rules of intimacy, loyalty, and safety, often without realizing how much those expectations had been shaped by earlier experiences of shame, uncertainty, and cultural perceptions of queer sexuality as suspect. One partner also began recognizing long-standing patterns of perfectionism and emotional control, while the other, who identified as neurodiverse, came to better understand why certain interactions affected his partner so deeply.

As the couple slowed down and listened more carefully to one another, they were able to distinguish inherited ideas about intimacy from what genuinely felt trustworthy and alive between them. As a result, they were able to develop clearer agreements, communicate more honestly about boundaries and fear, and remain more emotionally connected even when tension arose.

Learn more about my approach to LGBTQ+ affirmative therapy and queer-affirming care.

I also work with mixed-background couples, couples navigating questions of monogamy or polyamory, and nontraditional intimate partnerships, including throuples, where all partners are welcome and engaged in the work. What I bring is not neutrality, but familiarity, experience, and genuine respect for the many ways people build meaningful lives together.

Not Every Approach Works for Every Couple

Not every approach to couples therapy is the right fit for every relationship. Here are a few thoughts that may help you determine whether this kind of work feels right for where you are.

This work might be a good fit if:

• You want to understand what’s actually happening in your relationship and feel mutually ready to take this step
• You’re willing to slow down and look at what may be beneath the conflict, even when that’s uncomfortable
• You’re open to self-reflection as part of the process, along with learning some new skills and strategies
• You want a therapist who will guide you in having the conversations between you that need to happen
• You want a therapist who meets you where you are in your relationship, whatever that looks like, without asking you to explain or justify it

This might not be the right match if:

• You’re not especially interested in exploring what may be driving the surface conflict
• You’re looking for a therapist to take a side or offer a lot of relationship advice
• You’re not in agreement about entering therapy together. It’s one person’s idea that is not shared. 
• You’re in a relationship that isn’t feeling safe (it may be better to seek individual work first)

The question is what this relationship actually needs, where you both are in it, and what you and your partner are ready to engage in.

When You’re Ready to Work on Your Relationship

Relationships change shape over time. They absorb life transitions, carry old history, and sometimes need a place for careful reflection with an experienced professional, not because something has failed, but because something still matters.

And yet, asking for that kind of therapeutic support is rarely the first thing couples feel ready to do. Many couples wait until things feel confusing enough, serious enough, or painful enough before reaching out for help.

But no entry point is the wrong one. Research published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that therapists have little reason to be pessimistic about couples who’ve waited to seek help. Problems are not necessarily beyond repair simply because time has passed. But no entry point is the wrong one. My clinical experience supports this. I’ve worked with couples who have been together for forty years, as well as newly committed partners trying to build something strong and lasting from the beginning.

Wherever you’re coming from, the work of being in a long-term relationship can at times benefit from a different kind of conversation with someone who can help create more space for reflection, honesty, and careful mutual understanding.

I’ve spent decades sitting with couples in these conversations, and I continue to find them deeply meaningful and worth having. If you feel ready to begin, I’m here.

Frequently Asked Questions